Yes folks! It’s time for – Mock the Week!
BBC2′s ‘Mock the Week’ (Thursdays at 10pm) often has a sketch where one comedian – usually pretending to be a government spokesman – gives the official viewpoint while a second – usually Hugh Dennis – says what the government actually mean. The host is Dara O’Braian.
For the purposes of this item, Andy Parsons, the bald headed one, (or the follicly challenged one if you’re one of those politically correct sorts) is the first comedian. Jerry Green wrote the script:
Dara: OK. Your subject tonight is Upper Norwood joint library. Andy Parsons, you’re the Croydon council spokesman reading the council”s press release, Hugh – you have to say what Croydon council actually mean.
Andy: “Croydon council has proposed an unprecedented joint approach to making Upper Norwood’s library more efficient as part of its ongoing commitment to reduce public spending.”
Hugh: “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “The council has asked neighbouring Lambeth – which co-funds the library as part of a unique contract between the two boroughs – to work with Croydon to bring costs down at the library.”
Hugh: “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “Sitting on the border of Croydon and Lambeth, Upper Norwood is the only library in the UK which is not under council ownership – instead being run by a completely independent committee, which is funded jointly between the two councils.”
Hugh: “Well…er…up until 26 years ago it was.”
Andy: “Although the library provides the same services as a council-owned facility…”
Hugh: “Waggle and Hum, ABC Club, local studies library, a place for councillors to hold their surgeries….”
Andy: “….it costs almost £100,000 a year more to operate than the average library…”
Hugh: “….but less than Croydon central library…”
Andy: “, with the £400,000 running cost split between the two councils.”
Hugh: “….Lambeth pays more than £200,000. Croydon pays less than £200,000.”
Andy: “Costs have also increased by around £10,000 for each of the last three years, while other library costs have remained static.”
Hugh: “We put in a brand-new self-service machine system in Upper Norwood. “But not in the other libraries.”
Andy: “The saving would be equivalent to extending opening hours at all the libraries in Croydon, or increasing the borough’s stock of books by 25 per cent.”
Hugh: “We don’t plan to extend opening hours at any of our libraries in Croydon. We’ve just shut South Norwood for an extra day. “We don’t plan to increase the borough’s stock of books by 25 per cent. “Think of all the extra shelving.”
Andy: “To ensure taxpayers’ interests are maximised, Croydon has approached Lambeth to seek a cross-political approach to bringing costs into line with other libraries in the area.”
Hugh: “We may not get four Conservative councillors on the committee after all. “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “This could involve putting the library under the control of one of the two councils, with both contributing the standard amount of funding required to run a branch library.”
Hugh: “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “Cllr Sara Bashford, cabinet member for culture and sport at Croydon, said: ‘Firstly we are absolutely clear that Upper Norwood library is an asset to local people and we want it to stay that way. That’s our aim.’,”
Hugh: “In our council election leaflets for May 6th we issued one headed: ‘Upper Norwood library – only the Conservatives care. We stated that over the past four years Croydon’s Conservative council had increased funding to the library every year. “We pointed out this was in stark contrast to ‘years of neglect under the Labour party when funding was actually cut!’.” “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “However with every council currently looking at the way it spends money,…”
Hugh: “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “…we can’t ignore the fact that, over the next five years, the current arrangement will cost taxpayers almost £500,000 more than we spend on any other library.”
Hugh: “We spend more than £1 million a year on Croydon central library. “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “We know both authorities can operate successful libraries on a lower budget without any damaging effect on what’s provided – so it would be negligent not to consider the issue as we look to get the best value for residents out of every pound.”
Hugh: “Which is why the salaries of the council leader, the two deputy council leaders, the 10 cabinet members and the scrutiny committee chairman’s salaries are all going up next year. “We want to cut the library’s budget.”
Andy: “We know that public services are facing unprecedented financial pressures.
Hugh: “Yes. The council leader will be getting £64,824 a year, up from £53,314. The two deputy leaders will be getting £48,618 each, up from £46,494 each;….
Andy: “Therefore it’s absolutely logical that council and political groups work together to ensure taxpayers get the best value for money.
Hugh: “…cabinet members will get £45,377 up from £35,154. The chairman of the scrutiny committee will get £45,377. That’s up from £35,154.But councillors will be getting less. That’s because there’s more Labour councillors than there used to be.”
Andy: “We believe, based on 15 other libraries we run, that local residents can get the same service for less money.”
Hugh: “I have here, in my hand, this piece of paper…”
Andy: “That is what we are all paid to do, regardless of political persuasion.”
Hugh: “So Cllr Bashford gets an increase of just under £2,430 next year.
“We want to cut the library’s budget.”
(Note: The above – as ‘spoken’ by Andy is a full transcript of the Croydon council press release with only the last paragraph removed as it was a repeat paragraph.
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